It’s been a long while since I wrote here, but hey, why should I, few people if any read it, but those that do, well good luck to you I hope this is of some use.
This post entitled this could get messy is simply because although I have reached a point on my trans journey that I could describe as ‘in the sidings’ journeys end so to speak, I have had a jolt from ‘the station master’ that things could have to move soon once more.
Basically I have been on hormones for the last 3 years, and over the last few months, 12 or so I have really settled down in me, ok the usual life things have been hard at times as they are for everyone, but as far as trans issues are concerned I feel well … living life as me, the way I am now. I have recovered from severe and debilitating anxiety (more or less) and have started to pull my life together a little more. Most importantly my blood tests medically are good, I feel well and I am getting on with the fight for survival alongside the rest of the world.
So what could get messy? Well the doctor recently stated he wasn’t happy with one aspect of my blood tests, namely my testosterone levels have gone up a lot and my estrogen levels remained the same, above normal for a natal male and slightly less than a natal female, but my testosterone levels are the opposite way around not high for a natal male but off the scale for a natal female ….no shit Sherlock I say. I am a me and although medically I am a natal male with all the bits and bobs and genetics of a male I am simply a me with the brain chemistry I have. So the doctor wasn’t happy, he wanted to either increase my estrogen dosage or add anti androgens into the mix, or both, neither of which I wanted. I asked why he wanted to do this, he said to bring my testosterone levels in line with the levels indicated by Charring Cross Gender Identity Clinic.
Hmm .. I am very much if it ain’t broke don’t fix it, especially after the terrible time I had with gender dysphoria etc through my life. As far as I see it I am happy and well, so what’s the issue.
Having declined his offer of more estrogen and anti androgens, he decided to take away my 6 month supply of estrogen and put me on a month to month prescription. I asked why, he replied well you need to get back in touch with Charring Cross to seek advice ‘I believe leaving you with bloods like this increases your chances of cancer…but I’m no expert at all, I’m only going off the shared care protocol and I’m no expert”. I asked, so am I at an increased risk of cancer? He replied “I don’t know but you need to contact Charring Cross to see what they say, have another blood test in 3 months and see how we go”
I walked out bemused that on one hand he wasn’t comfortable with my testosterone levels but willing to prescribe more estrogen and anti androgens on top, but wasn’t willing to give me my usual 6 month consignment at my usual dosage.
I rang Charring Cross and the really rude woman who answered said “We cannot speak to you about anything you are not a patient of ours, your GP needs to contact us” I explained I was under a shared care protocol and Dr Davies at Charring Cross said I could always come back if needed, she replied “then you have to write to us, not simply ring up out of the blue”
I then got out all my original prescription letters from 3 years ago and realised that Dr Davies the consultant from Charring Cross although initially recommended a dosage or Estrogen and anti androgens he then withdrew that recommendation with a new letter that stated he was content for me to stay on up to 10mg of Estrogen as long as I had blood test to check my liver function etc.
I wrote a letter to my GP explaining this and referred him to the letter, a week later I got a reply. He had re-referred me to Charring Cross as he wasn’t confident with the shared care instructions and needed some guidance. FFS …!
So what will happen now I don’t know … all I can say is I hope beyond hope that my medication doesn’t get pulled. I am beginning to think it may due to finances or something and also because I a don’t ‘look like a transexual woman’ … that’s because I’m not, I’m a me and I’m happier and healthier now than I have been in some 30 years.
Hmm … I am still in the sidings with my trans journey train, but lets say I am starting to think about lighting the boilers on the steam train again, because I can feel me being pulled out of the place I’m happy to have arrived at. Worst of all I don’t really know why all this is re-referral thing is happening because nobody I ask really knows.
On an almost final note .. Eddie Izzard said something during his marathon which resonated with me. Here’s the clip … Eddie you’re a legend.
… and very finally. Although I’ve said I feel comfortable as me and I do, I still don’t feel comfortable existing as me in life, personally I struggle to ‘get it’ the trans issues I have, but all the same now I am resolved to understand that it is a part of me whether I like or not. I used to hate it, I don’t think I’ll ever like it because I see few benefits and it is a hindrance in life, but all the same at least now I accept it more or less.
Good luck everyone … keep goin wit yed down!
An hour later ….
I’ve had a think about the last bit of this post. You know the truth of the matter is in life each and every day, deep down I am ashamed of my trans issues, totally and utterly ashamed. Yes I understand I am trans but simply never wanted to be or ever would want to be. So yeh, I’m ashamed of what I am, not who I am or what I can do, what of what I am. I feel uncomfortable in life most of the time, use humour and comedy as a mask, yeh I am happy to be free of the dysphoria, but me relax into life and truly get on with simply existing .. no, I can’t. Too ashamed of my trans issues.
I know we are all supposed to be proud to be us our unique and miraculous being that we are, but I’m not. Yes I know we should all be waving the banner of beautiful difference and I genuinely do for others, but for me I find being trans a burden on my life one that I doubt will ever be properly lifted or one that I will ever embrace in the day to day. As far as I see it it’s a disability to me, life doesn’t make it easy for anyone I know but difference one cannot really live with makes it even harder to make life easier. Ok call me a moaning minnie and compared to plenty worse off than me I am lucky, but it’s all relative to our own hopes, dreams and expectations.
So yeh I still hate being trans in the day to day and probably always will. Which is why I suppose I was simply happy everything was just ticking along, I don’t need or want any more movement, it won’t help and will only be a great hindrance in my life. I know there is no such thing as normal, but wanting to feel as normal as possible now is a burning ache inside of me more than ever before. Time is running out for the burning ache to properly ease, I know it probably won’t ever come but I know all the same time will eventually run out and the burn extinguished along with all hope.
The question I keep asking each and every day … why shame? What’s to be ashamed of, you are simply a human being with a good heart and hard working.
I shouldn’t be ashamed … but I am because I’m trans.