I’ve had it suggested to me that maybe I should write a post that tells a little bit about me – the blog founder and (currently) the sole author.
Well my name is Dee, I am 42 years of age and live in’t North West of England. Over the years I’ve talked to people who’ve exclaimed that I have had 3 times more experiences of life than most. People say “nothing has happened in my life in comparison to yours”, my reply is almost always “its not a remarkable life, just stuff happened and its all character building”
Anyway just for the record here’s me and how I got to be writing this blog today. I was born in 1969 after a love triangle type affair that resulted in me coming along. My natal father (married) said he would stand by my natal mother (divorced) when she found out that she was pregnant with me, she already had a son of 7 (to a guy she never knew, date rape so the story goes). My father wasn’t much of a gentleman at all and turned tail on his promises of support early on in my gestation, the whole thing ended in him calling her a slut and leaving her naked on the sea front after raping her (so I’ve been told), all the while I was snuggled inside her! My mother decided prior to me being born that I was to be adopted, therefore the start of my life was set before I was born, that I was to be put on the adoption roulette wheel, where I would end up was anyone’s guess.
At the end of October I was born, spent about 14 days with my natal mother, then was packed off with a soft toy to foster care. I remained there until I was 3 months when I was placed with my new parents…I could have landed anywhere but I ended up in the North West of England away from the seaside where I was born, to be brought up by a couple in one of the hubs of industrial England.
From that moment on my life started to take shape – I have since looked backed and wondered what my life would have been like if I hadn’t been placed with my parents, parents who’s names are identical to the famous Mattel doll duo, gladly that’s where the similarity ends but sometimes I wonder if a life in toy land would have been better. I was loved (very much maybe a little too much), cared for and schooled, I knew about being adopted and all was fine, at the age of 5 I was chosen to play King Herod in the Nativity and got a costume of a long dress and a crown (boom) the long dress did it for me, I played out in it and exclaimed when I grow up I want to be a girl, suffice say I cried when the dress went back! Also at the age of 5 I was told I was going to have a sister – mum wasn’t pregnant and the sister turned out to be an 8 month or so girl from the Midlands who cried a lot. But that’s another story.
Fast forward through school, I was well behaved but didn’t do well at exams, I excelled at Rugby League and Athletics, the game was more trying to earn some recognition from my father rather than anything else. At 13 my mum and dad split up, sometime after I caught my Mum one night with a handful of pills lying in bed – she spoke about ending her life at length and about how bad she was, she still swears to this day it didn’t happen and doesn’t remember anything. My mum had suffered from depression for many years, seeing her in that state at 13 had a profound effect on me, so much so I grew up and resolved to make my own secure foundations in life.
At 13 the confusion about my gender issues where starting to bubble under but never show but deep inside it caused me to ask so many questions, I didn’t understand it as a gender issue at the time and wasn’t until I was 30 or more that I really got to grips with what it actually was. At 13 my passion and drive was to be safe in the world to be protected and be loved, to build my own family, have my own house where safety, happiness and love reigned – never to be punctured by abandonment, anguish and heartache again. 4 years later I met the woman I eventually married. We lived in each others pockets for 7 years, I idolised her, she was almost 16 and I was 17, by my mid 20’s we got married, a year later our first born came a long.
The moment I saw her I knew I had to answer the question – who the hell am I really, what are my genes, what is this gender stuff, she my new daughter needs to know! The urge stayed with me but first I had to secure ‘the family castle’ and provide more now…onwards I went. Forging a career as a senior manager the creative sector, doing home improvements almost every night, cooking, cleaning, covering every base possible – my wife was my queen and I had to make sure she was happy and we where safe. My daughter I saw as my princess and yes I may have gender issues but I was going to make up for them big time.
Fast forward 16 years and I am sat here looking back at a period that contained all of the following events – a successful 10 year career ended by corporate murder, learning that my best friend/best man of 7 years wasn’t such a brother to me, finding my natal mother and 4 brothers, a couple of sessions of counselling, rebuilding a marriage after an affair my wife had with my best man, the conceiving of 3 children and the death of one of them, lots of purging of my gender, guilt, anxiety, a teenage daughter flailing around searching for her identity, me self medicating on alcohol, having a 6 week relationship with a woman to find out she was an escort, buying my dream home, private gender consultants, being a handy man, being cut off by my siblings more or less, moving out, working market stalls, struggling for money, setting up 2 businesses, the end of a marriage, loads of pain, major back surgery, my coming out to my family, trauma with the NHS over my Gender, getting 2 new jobs, 160 mile daily round trip to work for 3 years, meeting and falling in love with another woman whom I’m still with, living life in a conservatory for 3 months, 2 business start ups, 2 lots of redundancy, too much booze, too many cigs …. plus much more. It’s funny I used to watch Brookside (a soap opera set in a close in Liverpool) I used to laugh and say surely not all of that stuff happens in one close? I read that paragraph back and say, did all of that really happen to me or have I missed stuff off….well I did miss something off of course I did! I missed off the fact that I met a wonderful woman who, although we’ve had quite a few hard times, loves me to pieces for who I am … Helen thank you for taking a chance on me. It just goes to show even with a ‘bag of washing’ like mine and all my issues, the universe can find someone for everyone, you simply have to reach out a little…and keep on keeping on.
Its been an interesting character building time, what I did to deserve all of this I asked time and again. I’ve said to myself I didn’t do anything wrong other than be born with a gender problem, some who know me agree with me. All I know is we all play our part in everything in a small or big way. Now I sit here and wonder where my life will go next as I stand on the start of treatment for my gender dysphoria – one things for certain, I still dream but rarely expect life to run smoothly, my thoughts of a castle of security and safety are still in my mind from being 13, I call it my nirvana. If I ever reach it I’ll be amazed. Simple thing is all I ever really want is peace, harmony and tranquillity,and a little bit of love.
People who know me ask if I’m bitter about the past or who do I blame, at times yes I was cross, very cross, but not now. No anger, no blame, no bitterness – just love. That’s one of my biggest weaknesses and some may say my greatest strength. You see all the people I’ve had and have in my life I love in one way or another and with different degrees, don’t blame them, wish them no pain only happiness and peace, I tenaciously hold on to loving people, I feel there’s not enough love in the world.
At the end of last year I wrote my own personal philosophy I wrote about us all walking the path of life alone, and all our interactions and the way life effects us positive or negative are down to the way deal with them. We ALL make mistakes, we all often tread heavy along our path, we all learn. I’m a firm believer that few people live life to hurt others, they only ever really try and make life a little easier for themselves – or think they are. Hindsight is a very powerful and often destructive device, but I figure just as we learn to walk when we are young and fall over, all through our lives we learn to take the knocks and keep waking each day with hope.
My life isn’t different to anyone else’s, its simply an ordinary story with stuff that happened, but each day I have hope that it’s going to be a normal day a little closer to my nivarna. Throughout my life I have enjoyed movies, and agree that life isnt a movie but often it plays out like one. Some of my favourite movies are Rocky movies (it’s a kid thing lol) and one of the most inspiring quotes that I try and live by each day came out of Rocky Balboa (2006), he said –
“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.”
It works for me anyway! So their you go that’s a little bit about lil ole me – hope you enjoy the blog. Some say everyone has a book in them, others have urged me to write my story. I sit back laugh and say “now who the hell would want to read my story – its just another life, nowt special and certainly not that interesting”
Peace, harmony and tranquillity to you all and I hope love too.
PS – to all the grammar police, I know I dont use the words there, their, where, were and all that stuff properly, plus I dont proof read very well either – but I do try. To help, just pretend you’re reading out loud and then you cant see the spellings, and where I have muddled my words sing la la la until it starts to make sense again. As far a punctuation, just breath when you need to. My English Language teacher said he would eat his hat if I passed my ‘O’ Level, I did, but I still think they gave me the wrong mark. 🙂