When I started this blog 5 years ago it was a way to vent my trials and tribulations in coming to terms with being a reluctant transgender person. The date the site was registered 01/01/2012 says something about the place I was in mentally back then. Shouldn’t we be nursing a late night if not a hang over on New Years day? Instead I was setting up a blog! I simply trying in vain to get my life and my head together, fighting against sporadic suicidal thoughts, hatred for me and more, years of being an alcoholic (more or less), chain smoking and living through goodness knows how many ‘character building’ experiences (well to me anyway).
This blog was never intended to attract visitors and why should it, but I suppose I hoped in some way it may help someone or at very least show that irrespective of how I have felt, I survived. All the same I felt the ‘moaning’ and ‘whining’ didn’t need to be online and it was far far too personal to publish verbatim. So I took my writing offline, writing to myself in an Google Docs diary. In the end I vented over 1 million words (literally) about my mental health and my life. Psychoanalysing every single emotion, working through paranoia, insecurity, my experiences in therapy, relationship issues, my relationship with myself, my transgender situation, adoption, divorce, you name it I wrote about it. Even I haven’t got the time not inclination to read it back (at least not yet). All the same it was what I lived through and so I’ve saved it to maybe pass to my children, maybe one day they may take a nugget of inspiration from it or maybe it will stay locked away in the data centres of Google for an eternity, who knows and frankly I don’t care that much about it right now.
Throughout all of my life I have loosely described myself as creative, a maker, a doing type person. It’s said I write well (when I can be bothered to proof read). I make things in wood, metal, I can weld, construct things, build with brick, paint pictures, sew, like gardening, make soap, candles you name it. It’s said I am one of those people who can turn my hand to anything, I refuse to accept this and believe I’m just one of those people who NEEDS to vent by doing something that expresses how I feel. From a builder to artist (lol piss artist some may say). People also say I’m very funny, with a delivery along the lines of Peter Kay and an accent to match I can see sometimes why, but I don’t do jokes. All the things that make people laugh seem to come in conversation and later I have no idea what made them laugh or what I said – so I’ll never be a stand up comedian unless an audience wants to chat to me.
For a living I work online as a er hmm, self employed web designer and Organic SEO content writer amongst other things. It’s a hidden life so suits me for now. I sometimes work doing ‘handyman’ stuff but rarely over the last few years. I say web design is my job but it doesn’t earn that much mainly due to the fact I don’t sell myself. My trans issues stifle my confidence, and although clients who accept me like what I do I rarely go out and sell my services. Getting out there so to speak just to get groceries takes enough effort at the best of times, girding my loins for the looks and the jibes I get from time to time. Some people who know me say play the game a bit more, blend in, I say why should I? They say, it makes life easier, I reply it doesn’t for me, but know it would, but why and what do I blend authentically as, man, woman, man, woman … so I say balls to it and do what I can with the emotional energy I have.
So how do I look? Have I after 5 or so years had ‘the operation’ – nope and have no, zero, 99.5% no intention of doing so. Do I dress ‘like a proper lady’ – nope. Have I developed lady bumps – yes. Do I wear a wig – nope, they itch and besides I can’t get used to hair after being bald since 20. Weirdly 28 years without hair kind of makes it difficult to get used to a full wig, although I would like my own hair again, but that won’t ever happen :-(. I simply look like a ‘pirate’ lol in androgynous women’s clothes. I don’t wear skirts, don’t do frills, prefer block colour to patterns and well yeh, look different but plain enough. My choice in attire is based on a number of things, lack of confidence, faff about putting the ‘slap’ on personal issues regarding authenticity, social worries and few other things, in short I just find it easier to dress down so to speak. That’s not to say I don’t like dresses, skirts and heals I do and I do like putting on make up, but for all the above reasons and more I almost never present in that way.
If you aren’t, you may be wondering why I’m writing this post today after so long? A number of things have changed in my life including not smoking, and I have come to the conclusion that I’m not getting any younger (no sh*t sherlock). Throughout a week, I do so many things, making, creating and doing I lose track of what I’ve done and so in my ‘darker’ days I beat myself up more for being crap at life. So in part this post announces a determination to log some of it. All the past archive of moaning and random stuff will stay, but I doubt this blog will be very wordy after today (perhaps). I am going to use it more as an aide-mémoire of all the stuff I do, from painting to welding, woodwork to stuff I see. For instance I have a painting on the go so I would like somewhere to post the changes so I can look back at how it developed. Not only that I like to capture pictures of stuff I see, nothing amazing but little moments in my life were I say ‘wow breath that in, that’s what being alive is about’, like today. I came out of the doctors at 9am after blood tests, the early Autumn sun glinting through some trees, and what with all the rain we have had recently it made me feel – wow happy to be alive :-). I only have some cheap tech kit, I make do with a £60 Alcatel Phone (crap camera) and a little second hand Panasonic Lumix so please keep that in mind.
All of what I do, I describe as average at very best, but if nothing else I hope the stuff I post here will be an little snap shot of my simple life in Northern England, the things I make, see and do. I want to cover the whole spectrum from the stuff I write commercially to the stuff I simply make and do. Hey it’s a blog, it my little place in cyberspace, it may end up being nothing but a set of memories but it may end up being a springboard to me living a life more free to be me. Who knows it may lead to me being free to don a frock one summers day without fear of loosing business. I’m not a talented individual like Grayson Perry or as wealthy and famous as Caitlyn Jenner. I’m simply lil ole Two Spirit Dee an inbetweeny living equidistant from Manchester and Liverpool. If nowt else I hope my children will take some pleasure seeing what I make and create. Hopefully they’ll also understand that even though Dad may feel like a weirdo compared to everyone else, Dad in isolation is happy being alive (some of the time).
Feel free to share anything you read or see, I do have a contact form should you care to pass on any comments, but I have to remind myself to check it. So if you do send me an email, please be aware it could be sometime before you get a reply, that’s of course if I manage to retain it amidst the junk we all get in any inbox. I don’t do social media, twitter, instagram or anything else other than this little blog.