I haven’t written here for some time, I suppose when all the woo ha and stuff has died down and you have taken your hormones, told CHX to stick SRS where the sun doesn’t shine and tired to get to understand who the hell you are and how you got here, then yeh life rolls quickly over you.
Anyone who has taken a look at this blog over the years will understand I have been on the old gender dysphoria roller coaster, struggled badly understanding my gender and life in general. Many may wonder why I haven’t committed suicide to be honest I have no idea, perhaps because I believe I deserve a fair shot in life whatever one of those is. All the same I can report with 8mg of Estrogen per day you can shake off the real and debilitating effects of gender dysphoria.
I’m not your regular transgender person (not sure what a regular trans* person is), I have no desire to be a female, I look like a bloke in many ways, wear womens clothes all the time, rarely wear a wig, only wear a skirt when I wear a wig and some make up and generally as I’m bald, prefer to wear a bandana. So not what many would understand a trans* person to look like.
I was told by a consultant once that I am intergender, I describe that as in between the two binary stereotypes, yet in many ways we all are, all the same the consultant did state that being intergender was a very tough place as it’s tough to fit in … you better believe it is!
All the same I am winning with it in a way. My own personal route to gaining a certain sense of self (aside hormones) was through being down right angry and pissed off at almost anything and everything, until I started to accept myself and accept the truth. The truth being I don’t fit in anywhere and I am not what I hoped I could be – a regular person. Also I had to accept that part of my life is having wrestling matches with myself from time to time about the desire to simply have a normal life yet I know there isn’t such a thing yet I still feel like a freak in the world. In addition I’ve learnt to understand that I am at greater risk of abuse and violence for simply being me, have less chance of getting work, that few other people really understand what being trans* is like and that being trans* isn’t exactly celebrated as being of any average value in society.
Once I came to terms with all of that I started to get to grips with my new and odd half male half female-ish body, dress sense, manner, face etc etc and still get shocked at how far away from the black days of gender dysphoria I am – phew. All that said I’m still one of those natal males who always wished there was a ‘blue pill’ but there isn’t such a thing and as I was born the way I am, I know now I had little choice but to take the hormones to feel well in my head. Today I feel well in my head and stable enough with my personal understanding of my gender, it’s better than dysphoria, better than 90 units of alcohol a week and much better than suicide.
All the same I would have taken the blue pill in an instant, there is no real value in being an inbetweeny not from where I sit or the experiences I’ve had.
Yes trans* people are naturally more than one, however society needs to see the value they can bring before trans* people such as myself start to believe we are even valid human beings never mind truly valued for our dual view of (at very least) the binary gender world we still live in. Some may say the binary gender world is dying but from where I sit it isn’t, gender fluidity is something that will take centuries to become a common thing if natal females haven’t by that time made the natal male extinct. It seems the natal female of the world on one hand gorges on whatever they wish in the world of gender definitions whilst the natal male of the world shrinks back and clings on to what – erm, beard growing as a unique distinguishing manly thing to do.
I once did a poll on here that asked “What is the main thing that identifies gender?” with equal votes deportment and voice are leading the way. These two elements are factors in identifying our gender, but having watched for a very long time males and female, the tribes of gender are split by one basic difference, what’s between our legs. The glass boxes of gender segregation ultimately are ruled by our genitalia, what toilet we go to and of course who can grow a beard.
As women devour anything that they see fit from the gender stereotype box of goodies, almost everything becomes the realm of the woman, this then means men have less to identify themselves as men. Men then have little place to go to identify their own personal or tribal gender, expressing masculinity becomes a limited set of options. Given that people use schemas and need to use schemas to exist, the schema of woman and man today has much tighter rules than just what people wear, so simple natural born markers are used instead. Voice, deportment and of course what’s between your legs … or put more accurately how much of your life have you been exposed to large amounts of testosterone.
As testosterone has such a massive impact on males at puberty, the very nature of any transwoman is different to the very nature of a natal female woman, one has been exposed to a lot of testosterone the other hasn’t. Even ‘butch’ natal females are obviously natal females (at least they are to me) so it follows that natal males who have had cross sex hormone therapy after completing puberty will (unless they have serious and extensive surgery with or without SRS) still be seen at least from time to time as natal males no matter how hard they try to fit in.
This knowing ability we have to spot the exposure to testosterone describes all trans* people at their root, a cock in a frock, a chick with a dick, a ladyboy, or all the other words. The truth of the matter is none trans* people know and no matter what they say they will naturally and eventually still sit in their relative gender binary glass boxes based on sex at the core. Yes women may have an ever growing collection of gender expression weapons in their armoury, most of which are acceptable to society. This extensive armoury that is supposed to liberate women in my view is now killing of women and de-feminising them slowly. They are in many ways as lost as the men, lost in the thinking that to be a woman is to do everything and everything goes and everything is cool for a girl to do. Ironically natal females could be described as the ultimate trans* tribe based on more traditional concepts of what it is to be a woman. Sadly though because natal females are wearing all and doing everything means the natal male trans person has even more difficulty fitting in. Why because women wear what was ‘men’ clothes and do what where ‘mens’ jobs and do more of ‘mens’ sports and do less of the the things women used to do, so what is a transwoman when they are doing a sport that natal women do, a sport that was once only ever done by men, or a job that was exclusively done by men and now is also done by women?
Suffice to say a natal female working on a building site will be seen as a natal female no matter how much she can mix it with the fella’s more over it will be obvious that she is a natal female, the lack of exposure to testosterone will show her as female. Interestingly the natal males will value her as a team member but will always see her as natally female and almost always see her as ‘fair game’ in one way or the other. A natal male who is trans* and even exposed to female hormones will indeed be seen to be a trans* woman and neither one of the boys, or one of the girls, they will only ever be trans*. The difference is tribes, natal females have a massive tribe of other natal females supporting them lobbying, rallying, fighting and it’s been that way for a long time. Trans* people as a tribe are so thin on the ground they will always be very very different and always feel like outsiders in an exclusive mixed up world of so called gender fluidity and so called equal opportunity. No tribe … no base, little support and little chance of change.
As a trans* person I will know when we are accepted into the world and indeed valued when I see a toilet door with the words ‘Toilet’ on it, neither the Male Toilet or the Female Toilet, Men or Women, Gents or Ladies.. Seriously which toilet do we go to, it’s simple natal females go to one and natal males go to another … trans people simply risk it or piss themselves.
If you ever wanted to know how it feels to be a trans* person … try choosing a toilet for us and then realise in most public places their isn’t even a ‘safe’ place to go pee pee. We in more ways than one are isolated and bursting to be truly accepted by society !